


Me Without You (All I Ever Wanted)

by carolinaruins



Category: 5 Seconds of Summer (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - High School, Based on an All Time Low Song, Fetus!sos, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Light Angst, M/M, Michael is kinda dumb, My fav, Songfic, Unrequited Love, but calum still loves him, fetus!malum, guess which one, kind of?, luke is kinda dumb too, lying
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-03-19
Updated: 2020-04-06
Packaged: 2021-03-01 01:13:06
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 4,012
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23216803
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/carolinaruins/pseuds/carolinaruins
Summary: “Michael guessed that was why he lied to Calum. Deep down, he knew Ashton and him would’ve never worked out, but Calum had always been a constant. He was always by Michael’s side.“Or, the one where Michael can't stop lying to Calum.
Relationships: Michael Clifford/Ashton Irwin, Michael Clifford/Calum Hood
Comments: 2
Kudos: 12





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Hi!! This is my first fic, just a random idea that popped into my head, hope you like it :)

Michael wished he could say it came as a shock to him. The words a slightly-drunk Calum Hood uttered to him on the crowded back porch of a house party.

“Mikey... I love you.”

He also wished that he could’ve told the dark-haired boy the truth. But he didn’t.

“I love you too.”

He was just so broken at the fact that Ashton had to go and move to stupid Melbourne with his family, what’s so great about Melbourne? All of his friends were here, in Sydney. His whole life was in Sydney. Michael was in Sydney.

But of course, nothing ever worked out for Michael. Of course the love of his life had to move away.

The truth was, Michael was broken. He didn’t admit it to anyone, but he knew his mother could tell. He could see her pitying stare out of the corner of his eyes when he assured her he was doing fine.

Of course he wasn’t fucking fine. Ashton was all he had.

He’d always had Calum, more recently Luke, but with Ashton it was different. He loved Ashton. And Ashton had loved him.

So why’d he have to go and move to Melbourne?

Michael guessed that was why he lied to Calum. Deep down, he knew Ashton and him would’ve never worked out, but Calum had always been a constant. He was always by Michael’s side.

He’d lived right down the road since primary school, and they’d been best friends ever since they’d met.

Truth was, Michael had always had a bit of a hunch.

He saw the hope burning in his chocolate brown eyes when he’d come out to him.

The disappointment in his face when Michael had mentioned to the boys he found someone.

The pain when Michael showed up to band practice holding none other than Ashton Irwin’s hand.

But he had always chosen to ignore it. It’s only Calum, after all. It’s his best friend. It must’ve just been a little crush he’d get over in no time.

Perhaps he was naïve to think the tan boy couldn’t possibly ever love him, not when he knew he had Ashton.

But Ashton left.

What choice did Michael have?

So he leaned in, and his lips met Calum’s.

His lips were a bit chapped, and his tongue tasted of cheap beer, but it was nice all the same.

Although it was nothing compared to Ashton.

Michael knew this was a horrible idea, but he was broken. Drunk, broken, and sad. But here Calum was, right in front of Michael, with his warm hands, soft lips, and desperate eyes.

How could he refuse?

When he pulled back for air, Calum had the brightest smile on his face, eye crinkles and all.

“I’ve wanted to do that for the longest time,” he giggled.

“Me too,” Michael lied.

The smaller boy leaned into him, and pressed his still-smiling face into Michael’s neck as he hugged the red-haired boy.

Calum suddenly pulled back from the hug, “Wait... what about Ash?”

“We’re over,” Michael explained, trying his best to cover up the disappointment dripping from his tone.

“Oh,” the tan boy giggled again, and pressed back into Michael’s neck.

Maybe he was a bit drunker than Michael thought.

“Hey, Cal?” Michael asked softly.

“Yes?” Calum murmured, face still pressed into Michael’s neck.

Michael gently pulled back from Calum as he let out a soft whine, “I promised my mom I’d be home by midnight, I’ll text you in the morning, okay?”

“Okay Mikey, I’ll walk you home.”

“No, Cal, you stay here. Go and find Luke, you two keep having fun, okay?”

Calum giggled again, “Okay, Mikey. Always so thoughtful,” he smiled, “bye.”

“See you around, Cal,” Michael said, and tried to turn around, but not before a familiar hand wrapped around his wrist, and pulled him in for another peck on the lips.

“Bye.”


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The morning after.

Michael woke up the next morning with a pounding headache, and three texts. Two from Luke, one from Calum.

From: Luke (2:17 am)

cal seemed pretty happy after u left lol

what, did u guys like, kiss, or something? jk lol

Oh, dear God. Michael had completely forgotten about that.

From: Cal-Pal (8:39 am)

Good morning :)

Michael was in for it.

To: Luke (11:24 am)

shut up luke

To: Cal-Pal (11:25 am)

hey, cal. how’s ur hangover?

Michael figured the only reasonable thing he could do right now is take a shower, wash off all the grime from the night before, and try to figure out how to fix this mess.

Once in the shower, his phone pinged with another text, and Michael found himself praying that it was from Luke, for the first time in his life.

From: Cal-Pal (11:36 am)

Not too bad, actually. Would you mind if I dropped by later, so we could talk?

Michael felt his heart pounding in his chest as he texted back.

To: Cal-Pal (11:49 am)

sure

Maybe Calum wanted to talk to Michael because he was going to tell him last night was a mistake, right? That had to be it. It _had_ to be.

Because for Michael, that’s all it was. A stupid, drunken mistake. After all, he still loves Ashton. He doesn’t believe he could ever stop.

***

Once he was dressed and downstairs, he found his mother at the stove in the kitchen, cooking breakfast.

She heard his footsteps enter the kitchen and she turned around, sending her only son a soft smile.

“Good morning, sweetheart,” she said before she turned back around, and flipped another pancake.

“Hey, mom. Would you mind if Cal dropped by later?” he asked.

“I’ve never minded before, have I?” although the words may sound bitter, she said it in a light and teasing tone.

“Right…” he said quietly. He couldn’t help but be nervous about Calum’s upcoming visit.

He’d never been nervous to see his best friend before.

  
“Are you okay, Michael?” Karen asked, still focused on the pancakes.

  
“Yeah, just… thinking,” he replied.

“Okay, honey. Always remember to let me know if there’s something bothering you. I’m always here to listen,” she said kindly, albeit skeptically. Being so close to Michael, she could normally tell when the teenager was lying.

“Thanks, Mom.”

***

About an hour later, his game of Final Fantasy X was interrupted by a knock at the door.

“Oh, Jesus Christ,” Michael quietly muttered to himself.

He paused the game and slowly shuffled to the front door, opening it to reveal a slightly-blushing Calum, with his hands stuffed in the pockets of his shorts.

“Hey, Mikey,” Calum greeted, smiling softly.

“Hey, Cal,” Michael replied, opening the door a bit wider so that his best friend of almost 10 years could come inside.

Calum headed straight for the living room after slipping his shoes off in the entryway, Michael following close behind.

As they both sat down on the sofa, Michael settled down a bit further from the dark-haired boy than he usually would, which caused Calum to frown, but he opened his mouth to speak nevertheless.

“So… we were pretty drunk last night, huh?” Calum began, awkwardly.

“Yeah,” Michael agreed with a tense laugh.

“Do you remember what happened last night?” Calum asked, after a moment of hesitation.

At this point, Michael could lie. He could say he doesn’t remember, and this whole thing would be over.

But he doesn’t. The one goddamn time he should lie, he _doesn’t._

He just didn’t want to be the cause of the tan boy’s frown again.

“Of course I do,” Michael replied.

Calum couldn’t help but let out a sigh of relief, until he seemed to grow nervous again, “I have another question… do you… would you ever want to do it again?”

Calum was staring at Michael with hope burning in his chocolate brown eyes, and all Michael could see was that same, innocent, hopeful face of the boy he had come out to two years ago.

Michael couldn’t crush his best friend _again._

So he lied.

“Of course,” Michael replied with a soft smile.

The bright smile he received back was comparable to the light of a thousand suns, as cliché as it sounds, and Michael was growing grateful for his ability to lie to the younger boy.

Then, Calum leaned in again, and timidly brushed his lips with Michael’s, as if he was scared the older boy might push him away. He was surprised, to say the least, when Michael pulled him closer to deepen the kiss.

***

And if it took Michael 2 extra hours to fall asleep that night because he was trying so hard to convince himself he’s lying to _protect_ his best friend’s feelings, no one had to know.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello again! Please comment your opinions on this chapter :)


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Michael pulls Luke into his lie.

The following day at school, Luke showed up at Michael’s locker before homeroom with a smirk on his face.

“What’s with up with the face, Hemmings?” Michael asked, slightly harsher than he normally would since he was jealous of his friend’s ability to be so lively this early on a Monday.

“Oh, nothing,” Luke said, snickering, “actually, no, that was a lie. Don’t get mad at me, but I saw you and Cal kissing at that party on Saturday night.”

Michael’s eyes widened, “Fuck, Luke! Could you keep your voice down?”

“Why?” Luke asked, “The whole school already knows you’re gay.”

Michael really hated this kid sometimes, “Yeah, I know that, dumbass. But Cal isn’t out yet.”

“Oh shit, right. Sorry,” Luke paused for a moment before speaking again, “Well… you do like him, right?”

Oh, God. Now he’s has to lie to Luke, too? It’s not like he could tell him the truth, or else the blond boy would certainly tell Calum.

“Of course, I do,” Michael lied, “I gotta get to homeroom now, alright, Luke? I’ll talk to you later.”

“Alright, fine,” Luke agreed, “but stop calling me Hemmings!” He called down the hallway, to Michael’s already-retreating backside.

***

It was only second period when Michael found himself already dreading lunch, his only period with Calum.

It’s not that he didn’t like kissing the boy, of _course_ he does, it’s a great distraction from his breakup.

But he couldn’t help but feel guilty for lying to his oldest best friend.

***

Once Michael arrived at the cafeteria, he noticed Calum sitting on the opposite side of the bench than he normally does.

The setup is usually Luke and Calum on one side, Michael on the other. But today, Calum was sitting on Michael’s side.

Michael decided to just go with it, and he sat next to the dark-haired boy on the bench, returning his soft smile.

But then Calum did something Michael really wished he hadn’t- he leaned in to peck the older boy on the cheek.

Michael quickly reeled back, already feeling guilty about the smile dropping from the younger boy’s face.

It’s just that… kissing Calum drunk at a party is fine, kissing him alone in his house is even better. But kissing Calum in front of the whole _school,_ where all of their peers could _see,_ was a different story. However, he knew he couldn’t tell Calum that. It would hurt him.

“What’s wrong, Mikey?” Calum asked, with his brown puppy dog eyes… Michael couldn’t take it.

“It’s just… you’re not out yet, Cal,” Michael lied.

“Aw, Mikey, you’re so sweet,” Calum’s smile had returned onto his face where it belonged, “But I don’t care about that. I just want to show you that I love you.”

The tan boy was too kind for words, and Michael would never be able to forgive himself for hurting him.

“I…uh…you too, Cal,” Michael shakily lied to Calum, but attempted to cover it up by giving his hand a squeeze under the table, and it seemed to appease the younger boy.

Michael felt like a complete _asshole_ for lying to Calum when he knew the boy only cared about him, but he really did just break up with his boyfriend, and he wasn’t over him just yet. Michael didn’t know if he ever _would_ be.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> comments? 👉👈


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Michael gets a call.

Late one night when Michael was attempting to do his homework at his desk, his phone lit up with an incoming call.

His heart dropped at the contact name.

_Ash <3_

He hadn’t spoken to the older boy since he left for Melbourne.

“ _I’m so sorry, Michael, but I think it’d be best if we didn’t try the whole long-distance thing. I don’t think either of us would be able to handle it.”_

And Michael, wanting nothing more than to appease Ashton, had agreed.

“Hello?”

“Oh my God, I’ve missed your voice.”

Michael huffed out a laugh, “You have no idea.”

“How is everyone?”

“Good. It’s different without you, of course, but… we’re holding up.”

Ashton began to choke up, “It’s some difficult shoes to fill,” he joked, albeit sadly.

“Ash, please don’t cry. You’ll make me cry,” Michael pleaded.

“I know, I just… it’s hard. I miss you so much.”

“I miss you too,” Michael replied, a tear slipping down his cheek.

“Okay, I-I think I have to go now. I l-…” Ashton coughed to cover up his mistake, “Goodbye, Michael.”

“Bye, Ash,” Michael hung up, before the older boy could hear him break down.

Needless to say, Michael didn’t get around to finishing his homework that night.

***

The next day, during lunch, Michael told his friends about the late-night phone call he endured a few hours prior.

Luke responded as expected, “Oh, that’s great! How’s he liking Melbourne?”

But Calum just looked at Michael with a blank stare.

“He likes it, I think. Says he misses us, though,” Michael replied.

“Well next time you talk to him, tell him to call me. He’s been ignoring my texts,” Luke commented.

“That isn’t very surprising,” Calum said bitterly, stabbing his fork into the salad sitting in front of him.

“You alright, Cal?” Michael asked.

“Yeah, I’m fine. I’m going to the bathroom,” Calum said and stood up, rushing out of the cafeteria and into the hallway.

“That was fucking weird,” Michael said to Luke, “What do you think his problem is?”

Luke’s expression seemed wary, “I think he might be jealous.”

“Of Ash? But he’s his friend,” Michael reasoned.

“But he’s also your ex.”

This accusation slightly stunned Michael. He knew Calum was pretty much in love with him, but being jealous of someone like Ashton, one of their best friends, was very out-of-character for the dark-haired boy.

“Oh, don’t look so surprised,” Luke said, “You know Calum loves you.”

“But it’s barely been a week since we first kissed.”

“He’s always loved you.”

***

Those words wouldn’t leave Michael’s head for the rest of the day.

“ _He’s always loved you.”_

What the hell was that supposed to mean? God, Luke’s such a dick.

But what if he’s right?

Logically, Michael _knew_ that his friend was right, but of course he didn’t want to believe him.

Michael’s best friend of 10 years is _in love with him._

And he doesn’t share the feelings.

At least, not really.

Michael’s been lying to Calum for almost a week now, and the younger boy is convinced that Michael loves him too.

Michael didn’t mean for it to go this far. He only wanted to kiss Calum so he’d feel loved by someone, so he could stop thinking so much about _Ashton._

He’d never wanted to hurt the younger boy, so he’s just been going along with it. This horrible chain of _lies._

He knew Calum didn’t deserve it, he deserves someone that’ll love him, for _real._

But the only response he gets from his heartfelt ‘I love you’s is a measly, ‘You too.’

Michael has taken this lie way too far.

He needs to tell Calum the _truth._

It’s the least he owes the boy.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> y’all i’m posting this at 4am


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Michael pays Calum a visit.

Exactly one week after Michael’s best friend had admitted his love for him, he finds himself standing on the boy’s doorstep.

He was nervous, to say the least.

After all, he was visiting his friend to tell him he’s been lying right to his face for the past week.

Calum was probably never going to speak to him again.

Oh, God, Michael couldn’t do this. But it was too late to turn back now, he’d already rung the doorbell.

The door creaked open to reveal Calum's older sister, Mali-Koa.

She smiled, "Hey, Michael, come in," she said and stepped aside, allowing Michael to enter the house.

"Does Cal know you're here?" She asked Michael.

"I don't think so," he replied.

"Alright, well, I'm sure he won't mind anyway. He's in his room," she explained.

"Thanks, Mali," Michael replied, and followed the familiar path upstairs to his best friend's bedroom.

Once he was at Calum's closed door, he hesitated. Did he really want to do this?

That was a stupid question, of _course_ he didn't want to do this. He was about to break his best friend's _heart._

Regardless, Michael swallowed his pride, and gently knocked on Calum's bedroom door.

"Come in," he heard a soft voice call from the other side.

Michael pushed the door open, "Hey, Cal," he greeted quietly.

Calum smiled brightly from his spot on his bed, "Hi, Mikey."

Calum looked so adorable. With his warm brown eyes, dark curls fluffy atop of his head, all cuddled up in what appeared to be one of Michael's old hoodies.

Yeah, Michael definitely couldn't do this.

Calum didn't break eye contact as Michael shuffled closer to the bed, sitting down at the edge near Calum's feet.

"I kinda came over here to talk to you about something," Michael began.

Calum seemed to grow a bit nervous, but still didn't break eye contact with Michael, "Oh, yeah? What about?"

"Well, uh... I kinda...," Michael stammered.

Michael already felt downright idiotic for coming here. What was he supposed to do, tell Calum he doesn't actually love him, and this whole week has been a lie? ~~_Yes._~~

"I was just wondering... were you alright the other day? When you snapped at Luke and stormed out of lunch?" Michael lied.

Calum let out relieved chuckle, "Yeah, I was fine. I just wasn't feeling very well. Don't worry though, I apologized to Luke already."

"Wasn't quite worried about that," Michael commented, which caused both boys to laugh.

Once they were both calmed down, Michael realized Calum staring at his lips.

Then before he knew it, his lips were meeting Calum's once again.

God, Michael _really_ had to stop doing this.

***

That night, Michael found himself unable to fall asleep because of his guilt.

He checked the time on his phone.

_3:59 am_

Jesus Christ, he had to do _something._

Before he knew what he was doing, he ended up dialing Luke's number.

He honestly didn't expect an answer, but with Luke being Luke, he picked up.

"Michael? You alright?" Luke's groggy voice asked over the phone.

"Yeah, I'm fine... just couldn't sleep," Michael explained.

"So you called... me? Why didn't you call Calum?" Luke's tired voice questioned.

"Uh, about him... I kinda have something to tell you," Michael claimed hesitantly.

Luke seemed to sober up at Michael's tone, "Oh my God, did you guys fuck?"

"Luke!" Michael yelled defensively, "Christ, Luke, we didn't do anything like _that._ It's just... I've kind of been keeping something from him."

"Like what?" Luke asked, sounding confused.

"So, you know how Ashton and I broke it off right before he left?" Michael began, earning a grunt from the other line in response, "Well, I've been pretty torn up about it. When Cal told me he loved me that night, and I said I shared the feelings... I think I lied. No, I definitely lied. I just didn't want to hurt him. But now I'm caught up in this huge mess with the whole situation, and I don't know what to _do,_ Luke. I feel like complete shit lying to him, but... kissing him makes me forget about how lonely I feel without Ash."

Luke stayed quiet after the confession, seemingly thinking it over in his head. Then, he spoke, "That's really fucked up and selfish, Michael. You've gotta tell him."

"I _know_ that. I just don't know _how."_ Michael explained, "He's gonna be heartbroken, and he'll probably never speak to me again."

"I wouldn't blame him," Luke said, "But you can't keep this up. Calum is seriously crazy about you, literally never shuts up about how happy you make him. I can't believe you'd do something like this to him."

"I know, me neither. I wasn't fucking _thinking."_

"Obviously. Well anyway, I think I should get back to sleep now, and you should, too. Goodnight, Michael."

Michael sighed, "Night, Luke," and hung up.

Fucking hell, how was he gonna tell Calum?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> STREAM CALM !!!!


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Basically, Luke and Michael are idiots.

Despite spilling his secret to Luke, Michael barely got 3 hours of sleep that night.

He thought that coming clean to someone would make him feel _lighter._

It didn’t.

He honestly felt like a bit of a coward. God, how’d he get himself into this mess? It was all Ashton’s fault, really. _He_ was the one who moved away. If he were still with Ashton, none of this would’ve happened.

Logically, Michael knew this wasn’t Ashton’s fault at all. He just wanted to blame someone other than himself for being so careless with his best friend’s heart. Calum is such a sweet, innocent soul, who was Michael to corrupt him with heartbreak?

The answer was simple: he couldn’t.

Which was why Michael is going to make himself fall in love with Calum.

***

The following Monday at school, Luke appeared at Michael’s locker as he was retrieving his books for his morning classes, just like the Monday prior.

”You need to tell him,” Luke blabbered immediately.

Michael froze, and spoke into his locker when he said, “What the hell are you on about, Hemmings?”

”You know exactly what the hell I’m on about, Michael. What you’re doing isn’t right,” he accused.

”What isn’t right?” another voice asked.

Both boys snapped their heads over to Calum, “Oh- uh, it’s nothing, Cal. Don’t worry about it,” Michael stuttered.

Calum frowned, “Why are we keeping secrets?”

"Cal, we're not-" Michael began.

"I'm gay," Luke cut Michael off, "That was the secret."

Both of the other boys stared at Luke, jaws wide open.

"Holy- I mean... that's really brave of you, Luke. I'm glad you trust us enough to tell us," Calum smiled warmly at Luke, patting him on the back.

Michael, on the other hand was still shell-shocked, but he still tried to play along, "Yeah, Luke. Really brave," he said shakily, also patting Luke's back for a second.

There was an awkward pause before Calum spoke, "How about we all hang at mine after school today? Like a celebration, y'know?" he suggested.

"Yeah, that sounds cool," Luke agreed, as Michael just smiled and nodded.

"Alright, sweet. But we should all be getting to homeroom now, see you guys later!" Calum said happily, before leaving the other two boys as he practically skipped to his homeroom.

Once he was out of earshot, Michael immediately turned to Luke, "What the _fuck_ was that?"

"Hey! You better be nice to me after I just saved your ass!" Luke countered.

"But- What the fuck, dude? Are you seriously gay?"

"I mean... maybe," Luke said, "I haven't really figured it out yet, I've thought about it, though. Fuck, I just panicked, okay? That wasn't the right time to tell him."

"God, you couldn't have told him anything else? Now we're both deceiving him," Michael pointed out.

"Well you still have to tell him! Your lie is way worse than mine!"

"You're wrong, Luke. Because I'm going to fall in love with him."

Luke looked at him like he was insane, "What? How are you planning to do that?"

"I mean, it can't be that hard, right? He's cute, sweet, funny, I just have to get used to the thought of him being my boyfriend."

"That is so messed up, Michael. We're coming clean to him tonight, whether you like it or not."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> for some reason my creativity juices began to flow today at 1 am. also probably why this chapter is so short and terrible, sorry :(


End file.
